Completely Legitimate News

Local Woman To Rebel Against Super Bowl Watching, Will Buck Trend And Be Only One

Dateline: Indianapolis

In a brazen move early Tuesday morning, Sarah Jones announced to her social media friends and family that she will not, repeat, not be watching the Super Bowl. 

“I just want all of you big dumb sports head fans to know,” Sarah announced in that whiny, high-pitched “better than you” voice that she gets when she thinks she’s got the edge on you, “That I think y’all are all dumb for sitting around and watching a big dumb game. You know that there are starving kids in Africa that will die and you’ll just be big and dumb and watching commercials and men in tight pants.”

When asked what she will be doing rather than watching what is widely considered one of the most rematched Super Bowls in the last five years, Sarah had this to say.

Oh, I think I’ll be ironic and watch the Puppy Bowl, where you get to watch cute little dogs run around and you get to giggle and then the kitties come on and then there is so much going on I just wet the couch sometimes. Kittens and puppies are so much more interesting than a stupid game. Either that or record the game and just watch the commercials. That’s all anyone ever watches it for anyway.

Al Sharpton Calls For Immediate Resignation of Internet Over Racist Blackout Day

Dateline: Waffle House

After getting online this morning and finding that he couldn’t edit his Wikipedia page back to the way he liked it due to an anti-SOPA protest, today Al Sharpton angrily called for the Internet to step down as our online of choice.

“I believe that, today, the internet has, in, the most callous of ways, taken off it’s facade of a mask of a sham of a trickery, and, revealed, like a hooker that’s found Jesus and slowly taken the Shroud of Turin off him in the most revealing of ways, that racism can come in many forms, and, today, that form is the internet itself,” Rev Sharpton finally got out. He then unfortunately continued, “When I was a child, back in Mississippi, and the minstrels came around to do their funny shows, I was shocked, nay, shocked and appalled, that these black men and woman of the white variety were not, in fact, the actual black men and woman of the colored variety. These tricksters and shams were hoaxes of the most illusional type, the type that pulled the wool over your eyes. Today, as I gently put my toes in the receding wave of the internet, I was shocked, nay, flabbergasted, that the same internet where I get my money and my Jesus from, was covered in the same black face paint the racist children of my mother were covered in. 

As the leader of the free black world, barring a veto by Jesse Jackson, I demand, this instant, this moment, this very point in time, for the Internet to resign, and apologize, for this very racist day. As a movement, we have come too far to have websites try to get the “black out” of the internet.

Despite calls to his publicist, who was found hanging in a shady motel on the other side of town wearing fishnets with a sign on the door that simply read: “Come in and call me David,” no one has been able to follow up on this story. Details at 11.

Ku Klux Klan Presses For “White Wednesday” Holiday

Dateline: Mississippi, TX

Late last week was an offensive time to be a shopper, according to some key members of the Ku Klux Klan, and they want to rectify the situation so that next year they can feel less like lynching and more like spending.

“It’s just so offensive to us, as proud white Americans, “states Earl Wayne Bobby, a member of the notorious group. “It is downright racism that we have to get down on our knees and be subjected to “black” friday. I mean, they’re making us work to get deals, and when’s the last time you saw a black person work? The whole idea that the NAACP gets to petition and get a special day for the blacks so close to a real American holiday like Thanksgiving, where we thank our ancestors for clearing the land of dirty natives for our master race to set up a homeland to wipe the brown people out, it just makes me sick to my stomach. It’s like they’re taking the white out of the holiday season just like they’re trying to take the Jesus out of Christmas. I just want it to be more fair for the majority.”

Black Friday, of course, is the day after Thanksgiving that retailers trick people into thinking that there are great deals to be had when it’s really an illusion of price and demand. This hasn’t stopped some Klansmembers into seeing things that aren’t actually there, like the virgin mary as a Cheeto.

Bobby Earl Wayne, another Klansman, spoke with us regarding his opinion on Black Friday. “I hate black anything.”

Born-Again Christian Gives Life Fully Over To God, Starves To Death

Dateline: Harrisburg, Arkansas

Today police in the small city of Harrisburg issued an arrest warrant for one “Christian God” for the neglect and starvation diet of a newly born-again Christian. Jeremy Wayne Clark, the aforementioned victim, was only 36 years old and had recently converted from “heavy meth use” to “Baptist.”

“I just don’t understand where he got confused,” Pastor Marshall Edwards confided in us, “I mean, I know how we go on and on about giving ourselves completely over to God’s care and loving, tender mercy, but we have to keep up certain aspects of our lives. I guess we just don’t go over that part enough on Sundays, I mean, the whole, you know, you need to keep going to your job, keep buying and eating enough food to be healthy, keep sleeping normal hours, keep showering, keep your house clean, you know, keep supporting yourself by yourself. Except that you give your soul and unconscious thinking over to God. And 10% of your paycheck to the church before taxes. Not, you know, give your literal self to Him, where you’re not making the decisions anymore. I mean, I guess we just assumed that he was using the ‘born-again’ thing as a feel good measure like most of the other families we see here in the church.”

Billie Jean Ray, a neighbor, was the one to find the body. 

“I remember seeing him finally come back from the re-hab, and seemed liked he was getting his life back together. I done seen him several weeks ago the last I saw him I did and, I think, he was dressed as well as I had seen him in years, what with wearing a shirt and pants at the same time, and he was starting to attend church services. Then, he disappeared into his house. I thought he’d been using again, what, with the stench that was coming out of his house after the second week, but after I had had enough of that and went over and peeked through the front door blinds, I saw him dead enough, just kneeled down over the couch. I guess he prayed himself to death.”

Authorities are asking for anyone with information about “God” and his location please call the police tip line. Anonymous calls will be accepted with thirty pieces of silver being awarded to whoever helps find him. Police warn that “God” may be hiding under his supposed son’s name, or may also be going by a third alias, probably a gang nickname “The Holy Ghost.” Informants are to be aware that “God” is a known killer, and should be considered armed and dangerous.

Al-Qaeda Sends Gift Basket, Thank You Note To Homeland Security Head

Dateline: Washington, DC

In a touching display of admiration for the actions taken by the Department of Homeland Security, top Al-Qaeda officials all chipped in together to get a gift basket and signed a thank you note to Janet Napolitano.

“We just feel like she’s done so much for us in our war against American freedoms and Western comforts like privacy,” Mohammad Al-Sharrif, a surprisingly fluent english speaking Al-Qaeda fighter told reporters, “and to keep the fear and terror in the American psyche like they have for the last, what, ten years? I mean, jeez, it’s better than anything we could have planned. ‘Specific, credible but unconfirmed?’ Who writes these things? Why haven’t we hired that guy?”

On top of the vague, unspecified threats that Americans get every election cycle and around events such as the inconceivably timed 9/11 attacks, which brings to mind 911, which, of course, brings to mind emergencies, the shattering of civil liberties and freedom to move across the country easily, as well as take pictures of national monuments if you’re any other color than white have been brought up as reasons for the basket. 

The basket included lotions, perfume, chocolates, and a stuffed bear. It was valued at $35.

President Obama Calls Rick Perry About Texas Fires, Wishes Him “Good Luck With That”

Dateline: Austin, TX

While wildfires raged across Texas for another consecutive day, in one of the worst years of drought and wildfires ever for the state, President Obama called Governor Rick Perry, campaigning in another, less “on-fire” state, and offered him his best wishes. 

“Yes, the president reached out to Governor Perry yesterday with a message of ‘Good luck with those wildfires, I hope the country of Texas has enough volunteer firefighters to deal with it without having to depend on the support of the evil Federal Government. Oh, wait, that’s right, you stopped funding the volunteer firefighters. Yeah, well, have fun with your fires, we’ll be right across state lines with the hoses,’” Jim Dandee, a spokesman from Austin told CLN reporters, “then he just burst out laughing and hung up the phone. Not that we need the federal government’s help, but dang it wouldn’t hurt to have a lot less fire happening than we have right now.”

Meanwhile Governor Perry, who wants to get less Federal Government from the inside apparently, had this to say about the fires and President Obama’s call.

While President Obama has concerned himself with the Texas wildfires, I’m here campaigning for the American people who are sick of all the abortion clinics and the jobs they offer. While Texas is burning, there are gay people who are getting rights that we, the minority white christian right leaning American need to take back. I will not stop campaigning against the large federal government until I am the head of that large federal government. 

Governor Perry then bowed his head and prayed for the wildfires to go out, since that worked so well with the drought that is still ongoing in Texas. He is leading the Republican polls.

Rick Perry Announces That He Will Run As Jesus Christ For President

Rick Perry, doing his Michelle Bachmann impression.

Dateline: Houston, TX

In a confusing move following yesterday’s prayer rally at Reliant Stadium, where he called upon God to “do his frigging job and start fixin[sic] this country,” Rick Perry today announced that he, with Jesus talking through him, would run for President of the United States.

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Kanye West’s New “Bomb Ass Single” Revealed to be Hoax

Dateline: Kanyeville, Kanyeneticut

In a another shocking announcement late Wednesday evening, after it was revealed that his ex-girlfriend was really just a guy that had lap band surgery and never got liposuction to take away his man-boobs, Kanye West’s handlers have spoken with Completely Legitimate News and confirmed the rumors that Mr West’s new single is a hoax.

“Yes, it’s true,” Todd Singleton, a rather polite, well-spoken white handler of Mr West confirmed, “All of this was a hoax to get Kanye’s name back out there into the masses. What, with all this attention being paid to politics and national debt and crazy rich white people, we thought that a good dose of Kanye bullshit was in order to get America focused back on what it should be focused on: celebrity train wrecks.”

In case you’ve missed the story, or have been living under a rock, or have been kept hostage under a rock and would like to sell your story to us, rumors began flying on Monday that a possibly destructive single would be released on the unsuspecting populace sometime this week, with terrorism being strongly linked to it. The only information that seemed to be linked to this was a video of two unnamed youths in large parkas shouting “Yeezy gonna drop the bomb on all you punk ass sucks MCs. Errybody ina merica(sic) need to drop they ass in a shelta, yo, Yeezy gonna nucleate these mufuckas.” 

As of press time, it is still unclear what “mufuckas” Yeeza was bringing together into a nucleus.

Anonymous asked: Is this news legitimate?

This news is as legitimate, if not more so, than Fox News.

Other 99% of Americans Waiting Patiently For Their Turn to be Spoken For

Dateline: America

With the recently signed “Debt Ceiling” and “We Could Cut Defense Spending to Lower the Amount of Spending but Instead We’ll Just Tax the Middle Class” bills being passed today, a record number of Americans are patiently waiting in line for their local representative to get their side of the debate. 

“I keep hearing ‘The American People say’ this and ‘The American People say’ that coming out of every orifice of these elected leaders, and I’d just like to say that hey, I’m an American too and I didn’t say any of those things,” Steve McKinsey of Lancing, Michigan said. “I don’t want to be too rough on them, though, it seems like they’re having a hard enough time trying to figure out how to get that black guy out of office.”

“With debt growing out of control, no rise in employment, and more political in-fighting than ever before, it’s a nice gesture that these politicians are gonna take some time off from pretending to care about us in Washington to come pretend to care about us in person, “mentioned Tina O’day. “Just makes you feel all warm inside to know that they really care.”

When pressed for comment, all CLN could hear through the closed, locked doors of elected officials was “Do you think they’ve all left yet?”