Jerry Jones “State of The Cowboys” Media Address Goes Horribly Wrong, Hundreds of Words and Phrases Mangled
Dateline: Dallas, TX
Following what seemed like a victory for the NFL, with the lock-out over and teams getting back to the normality of the preseason, league officials nationwide are taking a stand against the grammar massacre delivered Tuesday by Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones.
“It was horrific, “Eric Moore, a member of the media who was at the press conference, recollected, “there were nouns and verbs being thrown about with no regard to where they should be. Subjects, predicates… nothing was safe. It was as if the English language had committed some horrible atrocity to Mr. Jones himself, and he was responding in kind.”
The press conference started innocently enough, with Jason Garrett, the coach of the Cowboys, and Stephen Jones sitting in a mock-up Ford F150 Power-Wheel truck describing what it’s like to roll around naked in a bed covered in sponsorship money. Coach Garrett described the massive erection, throbbing as red as his hair, that he’d gained thinking about screwing over Ford with the mediocre Cowboys organization, and then admitted that he didn’t realize the press conference was going to be live. Stephen Jones, Jerry’s son and team Executive Vice President/COO, then got up to cover the situation and introduce his father.
Witnesses to the event then said that Jerry took the podium and immediately started violating his native language in ways that no one thought possible. “It was as if he took a thesaurus, chainsawed it up, and glued it back together and formed sentences with it,” Julia Chelds said, “It was madness, simply madness. I thought he was reading from the Necronomicon at one point, but then he segued into talking about (Cowboys quarterback) Tony Romo. At least he didn’t meow this year.”
Jones has since apologized for the incident, stating that “Not there never does needs to be sorry for stating the words and opinions that the fans of the football Dallas Cowboys want to, and rightfully so.” Efforts to translate have so far been fruitless.