Rick Perry, doing his Michelle Bachmann impression.
Dateline: Houston, TX
In a confusing move following yesterday’s prayer rally at Reliant Stadium, where he called upon God to “do his frigging job and start fixin[sic] this country,” Rick Perry today announced that he, with Jesus talking through him, would run for President of the United States.
“I have accepted, through my lord and savior Jesus Christ, to take my lord and savior Jesus Christ, and use my lord and savior Jesus Christ, to let him speak through me, his humble servant with incredible hair, Rick Perry. I have done all I can with Texas, and I believe my record will speak for itself. And, if not, I can have some Tea Party patriots come up with some facts for me. As for now, as I turn my attention away from the pathetic education system I’ll be leaving, the massive debt I’ll be leaving behind me, the increased taxes I’ll work so hard to get in Washington, and the whole “bring your daughter to get injected before school day” fiasco, I’ll be glad to get away from all this huff and puff politico bantering and back to my roots of speaking with a dead god’s voice that will guide you back to the strong Christian roots I’ve heard so many other politicians try and claim that they have. Well, I have Jesus. Literally.”
Evangelical Christians from across the state straggled into the highly publicized prayer meeting, led by passionate religious leaders who want nothing more than to ban the gays and the browns because “that’s what Jesus would really want, you know, if he had to deal with rainbows and tolerance all the time.”
“Besides,” Nathan Pylar, an attendee said, “Jesus lives within all of us, but mostly inside Mr Perry. That’s why he gets to take so much money from us without having to pay taxes or anything on it. Mr Perry says… I’m sorry, Jesus says that that’s why they’ll believe anything he says that has to do with the bible. Because he’s infallible.”
When pressed on knowing what exactly “taking the lord’s name in vain” meant, Mr Perry’s people were far from forthcoming.
“That’s not a very Christian tone, young man,” Abigail Presley, an older woman from Mississippi who made the trip, “if fact, I might just think that you’re from the devil, trying to challenge any and all facts that the lord Jesus Christ might come up with. Well, away from me, devil child.” She then devolved into “speaking in tongues,” more commonly referred to as “bullshit.”
Adrian Killebrew, another member on evangelical staff, said “I don’t recall him ever throwing in a ‘damn’ or a ‘hell’ anywhere around when he was speaking, so, no, he’s good.” After quickly looking around, he added “To be honest, I am a little afraid. Rick’s been speaking of shooting up the good word, to get his highs through the love of Christ. Never before have I known a man to take a phrase, get it wrong, and take it literally, but then never have I seen a man do more to wreck a state’s economy and convince the people he’s screwing over to vote him back into office either.”
His publicists have not yet stated whether Mr Perry will run under “Rick Perry,” “The Lord and Savior Most High Jesus Christ,” or some combination of the two.